Life is confusing. Everyone knows it and I doubt there is a single soul who wouldn't agree that trying to sort through life is just that... life. It isn't easy and sometimes it becomes so stressful you just want to cover your eyes, scream, cry and just start over.
And I've done that.
I've started over and sometimes you have to stop starting over and just learn how to make things better.
That right there. That is where the heart seams burst, because it can't take the pressure. The heart doesn't know how to take the tangled strings of rocks and make them into a delicate string of pearls.
Then it breaks.
The heart. The pearls. Everything. The river of grief spills out the windows of your soul and you just want it to be... better.
Not great, amazing, phenomenal, or just plain old good. Just. better. Just bearable. Just being able to cope.
If you're like me, you start evaluating all of the different facets of your life. You look around you and you say "what is contributing to my misery?" Because I belong to the Savior who suffered all pain so that I might have joy! So there has to be a roadblock.
And there it is. You see it, and even though you want to deny that as a possibility to your state of misery, you know- you know that you know that you know.
You know that you're drowning in the shallowness you subject yourself to. You know that dropping your vulnerable heart into a den of daggers is going to make it bleed. You know that searching for love and acceptance, among people who burn rejection into your soul, is going to scar. And you want to deny it. You want to say that it isn't true and you're just imagining it, but you know. You know that Jesus Christ has provided solace and love for you, and you just have to grab it up. You just have to swallow the clump of pride in your throat and admit that just because something holds the promise that it is what you need, doesn't mean it is what you are searching for. Your heart is searching for the place that Jesus resides, and if Jesus isn't found, it's time to move on.
I have so many things I want to do and in a rut is where my free spirit is. I want out and away. But I just need up. Up out of the rut and on the path towards the home the living God has for me.
It isn't like looking for a needle in a haystack. It's just about giving up an idea of what my life as a single person is. People try to tell me what it is, or who I should be; and even though it is cliche, I am me. God gave me two things that overwhelm me and that's love and passion. And as tempting as it is to fall into the rut that was dug for me, I have to... I have to, make the choice to follow my Master. To be free. To love. And to live with an unquenchable passion.
So this is it. This is my stake in the ground of life. To *not* not live. To not be boring and lifeless and not love what I love and express myself because I am afraid or because I am in a demographic.
I'm just going to be brave and say it. Shoot me if you will, but I have the heart of a truth teller and here it explodes from my lips:
Groups created to "help" people because they are not married or dating, are 99% of the time, a hindrance. They're not a hindrance to marriage, they're a hindrance to life. They are the rut. We get stuck and can't move. We wait and wait and wait for life to begin and it's right here! It is right in front of us! Begging us to pick it up and enjoy it! Life is so hard. God gave it to us to shout from the bottom of our lungs, the love and joy He has given us.
So we need to scream it. We need to sing it and laugh it and dance it!
I'm trying so hard to not use this opportunity as a podium to proclaim my hurts and blows. To not seek pity for how my heart burns with grief and sorrow, but to use this as an opportunity to see how powerful and strong life can be when we live it in the face of God and to express His love. Not to advance our names, but to spread His joy.
Have joy people, because Jesus died and rose to life so that we could live.
So let's live.