Monday, October 8, 2012


If there is one thing I genuinely hate about myself, it's that I tend to be rather tender hearted.  I feel things very deeply.  Now that is great when it comes to being empathetic and feeling someone else's pain with them!  I am greatly affected by those who are lost, suffering, brokenhearted and alone.  Partly because I am well acquainted with suffering, but also because I am tender of heart.  I cry when others around me cry and am not shy in comforting those wounded in spirit.

But everything has its downside as well.

Having someone act like they are on your side, when in fact, they are really bad for your soul, is a heart-wrenching thing to discover.  (I know my last post was on betrayal and being hurt; but it is obviously still on the brain, so you all are just stuck. ;)  One of the things that stinks the absolute worst, is having someone know the pain and the anguish you have suffered and are continuing to experience, and then to witness them use it to obliterate you further.  It is a grief that is practically inexpressible.

I get into one of those places where I pour my soul out to those who are under the guise of "helping"... a guise that is perfect for people who are just wanting information.  I get to this place where I am totally ready to share it all and just dispense every ounce I can in an effort to benefit things, but it all turns out to be a mistake.

But the other side of the coin, is that when you are suffering silently, having people mistreat you, who know nothing of what you are going through, is just as heartbreaking.  You know every agony you have experienced and having salt dumped into the huge gaping hole you have in your heart, is just unbearable.

I get so disappointed with myself when I fall into these painful moments.  I have a hard time focusing on the basic things that I need to accomplish in life and all of my energy seems to be expelled into figuring out the mess and how it happened.  I am a very honest and open person, but I go through times where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out by myself for a week.  I am the kind of person who LOVES people and fellowship, but I get in a dark mood and just want the world to leave me alone.

And I despise that trials affect me like that!

But I learned something...

You can't be betrayed if you didn't trust.  So when you are experiencing betrayal and backstabbing, it is a sign that you are a trusting person.  It is evidence of a heart of flesh!  You see, sometimes the thing that I despise about myself, is the thing that God has instilled in me for His glory.  I look at it as a curse, but God has given it to me as a blessing!  I see it as a burden, and God sees it as a tool for His plan.  Part of why I get unhappy with something like a tender heart, is because I am looking solely at how it affects *me*... and God looks at it from the perspective of how it can affect *His Kingdom*.

When I go selfish on everyone, it is because the object of my vision is altered and I am looking at me instead of the cross.  Jesus doesn't want me to look at the hardships in my life as something that I alone have to bear.  When He saved us, He told us to "come unto" Him and cast our burdens onto His shoulders.

If I can understand and just grasp that by my suffering and being stabbed in the back, I have the opportunity to share in a suffering that others might be experiencing as well, I will be able to feel a connection with the Bride of Christ that I may not be able to feel otherwise.  God is holding His children in the palm of His hand, and there is not one thing or person who can change that.  He has an inheritance in store for us that cannot ever be topped and is protecting us in our salvation!!  {1 Peter 1:3-5}

Oh my word, how selfish can I possibly be?!  I have been given something that was purchased with the blood of my sinless Savior and His power is made perfect in my weakness!  How fantastic is that?!  I can be weak and even embrace the fact that I am weak, and it is the very thing that makes the strength of my Friend and Brother stand out as something irreplaceable and beyond glorious!  So bring it on peoples, because for the next 12 hours, I'll probably feel like I can tackle anything.  ;)

"Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." -1 Peter 1:13


Crystal said...

I'm really sorry you are hurting. I understand where you are coming from and I'm going to pray for you.

The Lord is good and gracious and His plans are perfect and His vengeance is real and He will protect His daughters from those who wish to destroy them, discourage them, hurt them, or dominate them.

Our Father came in and rescued me when I didn't even know I needed His rescue and He will do it for you because our Father is a good Father and won't give you more than you can bear. Also, He gets angry when people screw with His daughters. Take heart, Sister, the Lord is for you. :-)

Shelby Courtney said...

Thank you, Crystal! That means a lot to me! I think that things get so hard and so confusing, but I forget that the Lord sees it all and it makes perfect sense to Him! Oh how He loves us and how thankful I am that He does.

Lauralea said...

I'm so thankful you wrote this post! God used it in a good way to reach my heart. Sometimes we're selfish and we don't even realize it, because we've become careless with the gospel.
Hugs and blessings!

Kaitygirl said...

I realize this was posted months ago, but just wanted to thank you so much! I related to this like nothing I have ever read before. I, like you, am very compassionate, caring etc..and have hated my tenderness for a while now because of agony I endure when I trust and someone walks out or hurts me. I also am super honest and dump like a dumptruck at times. It's easy to think "why, am I in this trial? I care too much to be suited to this situation!!" Instead of realizing that if I can get my eyes off of ME...God is being glorified through this! My INABILITY only glorifies God more, right? ;) Thank you for pointing out that it's a blessing we care. It's a blessing that our hearts are not hard as ice and that yes indeed, God IS glorified in our weakness! Praise Him for that! Thank your your posts. You have no idea how encouraging they have been in my life the past year!!

Kaitlin (a fellow single girl desperately trying to use my single years for His glory!)